Kini aku lebih mengerti perancanganNya...

Arini room mate aku cerita lagi pasal dia ngan balak dia. Aku tak kesah. Dah memang selalu aku tempat dia bercerita. Untung2, dapat gak gambaran camna idop ber'couple' nie. Yelaaa.. Aku nie kan mana penah berpasangan yang dalam terma 'exclusive' nie. Dah 27 tahun lebih idop, tak pernah la lagi leh aku nak ngaku mamat nie atau si polan tue 'balak' (nama manja dia, boipren) aku. Rupanya, banyak betul rintangan dok ada boipren nie kan?.. Bergaduh lah, merajuk lah. Bila baik tue, leh plak bermanja. Aku sebenarnya tak brapa paham motif utama ber'boipren' nie. Bagi aku, macam agak membuang masa dan tenaga dok sakit hati, cemburu, pikiaq pasal orang lain, yang belum konfem hak kita. So, why go through all that trouble? Tak dinafikan, aku pon kengkadang nak gak merasa. Yelaa.. Nak merasa ada orang amek berat pasal kita. Tanya pasal kita. Nak dengar cerita kita. Kalau bergaduh dengan bestfriend, nak pi cerita kat balak kita. Kira tempat nak luahkan isi hati laa.. Tapi, since aku tak pernah ada orang yang glamernya dipanggil 'balak' kat sisi aku, kat sapa aku dok bercerita selama ni? Kat parents, of course la tak coz kalau cerita, either diorang tak faham, atau diorang kata suma tu perkara remeh ja.. Dan sememangnya aku tak nak pon bebankan diorang dengan perkara2 macam nie. Yang penting, aku jalankan amanah aku, tanggungjawab aku sebagai anak dan pelajar universiti, untuk belajar bersungguh-sungguh untuk mendapatkan keputusan yang cemerlang dan bantu mereka bila dah bekerja nanti untuk meringankan beban mereka. Walaupon tak termampu untuk aku balas semua jasa mereka, tapi sekurang-kurangnya aku telah membuat segala keringat mereka tidak jatuh dengan sia-sia.

Berbalik pada kepada siapa aku bercerita.. Aku tersedar hal nie lepas menunaikan solat Isyak.

DIA. Yang Maha Berkuasa. Yang Maha Mendengar. Yang Maha Memahami. Yang Maha Mengetahui. Aku sedar, selama ketika ini, tiap-tiap kali aku kecewa, aku terluka, aku berduka, aku akan bersujud dan mengadu pada DIA. Terutama sejak kebelakangan nie, dengan macam2 cobaan yang aku lalui, lagi banyak aku menghabiskan masa aku dengan DIA. Dan bila aku mendapat khabar yang gembira, pon aku dah selesa nak bercerita dengan DIA. Bila aku runsing, aku mintak pertolongan DIA. Aku pernah tanya, kenapa aku tak macam yang lain. Ada keinginan untuk berpasangan, ada tempat mengadu. Setelah salam terakhirku tadi, aku sedar. DIA melindungi aku. Melindungi aku dari terasa perlu bergantung harap pada seorang hamba, sedangkan aku boleh bergantung harap dengan Yang Mencipta, Pemilik segalanya. Dan semua ini bukan dengan sengaja, tetapi kerana DIA sayangkan aku. DIA memenuhi permintaan aku, iaitu untuk sentiasa dilindungi, kerana DIA tahu aku memang takut akan kekecewaan. DIA Yang Maha Mengetahui.. Sang Pencinta Agung. Alhamdulillah, kini aku lebih mengerti perancanganNya...

Sesi kaunselingku...

Aku jarang sekali buat post.. And lagi jarang dalam BM... Tapi tgk lah, kali nie leh btahan sampai mana.. hehe..

The other day, tgh dok FB chat dengan seorang teman baik, nie kira sesi meluahkan perasaan la gak, coz lama dah terpendam n tak tau nak bgtau sapa.. Lately (masa tu laa) aku asyik dok menangis je.. tak tau kenapa, tapi bila ujung solat, aku menangis.. Hopefully suma tuh tangisan sesalan la.. tapi, maybe there was something more.. nak kata pasal sakit hati, kecewa, rasanya masa tuh dah lama aku lupakan.. Sejak peristiwa Allah memakbulkan satu permintaan aku, iaitu untuk menjadi makmum seseorang.. Sapa, xyah tau la kan.. tp yang pasti lepas tuh aku sering tersenyum... Tapi dalam senyuman tuh, ada gak aku berbalik pada rasa sedih... Insaf la kot.. ntah, xleh nak komen.. yang tau, nangis sampai ramai yang concern.. tapi mmg aku dah xde pape dah masa tuh.. cuma meluahkan rasa pada Dia Yang Maha Esa je...

jarang sekali aku ambil peluang setiap kali lepas solat.. tapi bermula saat itu, aku lebih menghargai waktu solatku.. kalo bleh.. lama lagi pon xpe. Tp tanggungjawab pada hal2 dunia pon mesti jugak dilaksanakan.. kan? =)

Ok, berbalik pada 'perbualan' kami, aku pon luahkan laa apa yang berlaku, coz masa tuh pon baru je abes nangis.. dlm conversation tuh, kawan aku pon bertanya, "So, what keeps you going on then?"... bermaksud.. "Apa yang membolehkan aku meneruskannya?".. tros aku jawab "ALLAH" tanpa berfikir panjang.. lepas jawab tuh baru aku tersedar..

Memang.. Memang Dialah yang membolehkan aku meneruskan perjuangan aku nie... tiap kali badai menimpa.. tiap kali halangan mendatang.. aku terus berperang, kerana aku percaya, Dia tetap bersamaku.. Dalam jaga ku.. Dalam tidur ku... kadang2 kita tak sedar... Yang Dia sentiasa bersama kita.. membimbing tanpa kita sedar...

Lagi satu cerita nak kongsi.. masa sesi meluahkan perasaan jugak..

Orang before exam, baca notes cam nak rak.. tapi aku ngan kawan sorang lagi nih, p menyembang kat tepi toilet laki.. hehe.. ala kat belakang tuh, sebelah konti IIUM FM.. anyway.. dok sembang nih, keluarla pasal jodoh. n dia pon mention, nape tak aku suh mak bapak aku je carikan, dah kalo rasa nak kawen dah...

aaku pon terpikir... memang penah gak terpikir nak suh mak ngan bapak carik kan... dekat kawan aku td, aku bg alasan, takut nnt orang tuh takleh nak terima perangai aku.. ye laaa.. aku tau la aku nie macam mana.. tak suma pasal aku parents aku tau pon.. so macam mana?

Lately hati ni tergerak lagi.. banyak kali gak dalam tahun lepas.. ape kes??? tapi kali ni aku tetap dengan doaku.. setiap kali jadi macam ni, aku memohon pada Dia untuk memberiku petunjuk dan hidayahNya.. jalan yang terbaik buatku.. Kalau benar apa yang ku rasakan ini adalah jodohku, maka biarlah kami bersatu dibawah RahmatMu, RedhaMu dan restu kedua ibu bapa kami.. dan jika ini hanyalah mainan perasaan semata-mata, lindungilah hati kami agar kami tidak melakukan sesuatu yang melanggar syariatMu... Amin...

So, kalo bab jodoh, InsyaAllah.. aku akan sabar menanti detik dan ketika dimana kami bersatu kerana itulah janjiNya.. Ya Allah.. berilah aku kekuatan untuk terus bersabar... Sementara tuh, adalah kewajipanku untuk mempersiapkan diri demi menerima tanggungjawab seterusnya...Ya Allah, bantu lah hambaMu ini.. Amin...

???

I think I have shocked and stunned a few people lately. Just goes to show, what you see is just merely the tip of the iceberg. The evil lurking beneath sometimes pops up to say hello, and it is not easy to contain everything below the surface. Sometimes it is tiring, and doing it alone makes it hard. But I am grateful to those around me who have been my by my side through the struggle. I realise the battle is never done, and the fight continues within me to be ....

2011 : Full of....

Wow, I remember this time last year, I was composing another such 'New Year's' post and by the time it was published, the title was the same as a good friend of mine's, Wajihah. I know I do not blog a lot, coz basically I dont believe anybody is even interested in reading the posts, but I do write in once in a while, especially when I do not have anywhere else to let go of the feelings bottled up inside of. Even as I am typing this, my eyes are beginning to get watery. Hehe..

Well, 2011. What can I say. I can conclude it has been a most challenging year I have faced so far. A lot of happenings, most better not to describe. My dad being in hospital for the early part of the year. Feeling helpless in not doing anything. The feeling of lost, worried, hopeless, confused, dazed... Thank Allah that he blessed me with some of the greatest friends there is to have around whenever these feelings occur. Amierah, Waji, Jamie. I love you three so much. Thank you for all the time you were there, to read all my mindless messages and just laugh, coz I needed them. Thank you for the hugs, however awkward sometimes they were. :) I know I am not the best of companion, I know there so much part of me that I remain hidden from you, but you must know that it is not that I do not want to tell, bare them all, but I am actually afraid of my own shadows. I may act tough, talk the talk, but I do not walk the walk. Not even stride the ride.

Early of the year was amazing too. I became acquainted with a feeling that I never thought I would ever experience, ever, in my life. After over 26 years, this was the first time I opened up and it was amazing. I realised a long time before that I was already ready, but the right person has not come along yet. At first I may have thought that this was it, but you know what, the saying is so true. You will not know the difference between the a diamond and the glass if you never got cut by the fake one. Hehe.. I love playing with words. Yeah, it was amazing, yet it fumbled as soon as it started. Those who I confided into helped so much, and no, I was not as badly damaged as it seemed, coz I took the brighter side. Like I said, I was amazed that I even got to experience that feeling at all. Being able to let some of my burden of my shoulder, to share it with someone and just to know that that person is sharing it even though they could only do just as much. Sharing. It really is a beautiful concept.

This year, the break was too long. My brother came back for a short while and I spent most of my time wondering why I wanted him to come back. I know. I do miss him. But he was him. My brother who would butt into issues, not knowing the whole story, making suggestions that (maybe I am the paranoid one) may or may not affect people. Some of his thought did make sense, but it just does not fit the piece. I never thought it before, but maybe he too just want to fit in. We went to Sabah anyway. Now that was amazing. Mabul was beautiful, even though the weather was not as fine, but the last day was just brilliant. We took scuba diving, and I realised that I have a fear of not being in control of situations. It took me a whole day and the next (until my instructor actually asked if I just wanted to waste my time on the surface rather than in the bottom), I realised then that I would be wasting money, so I fored myself down. You have no idea how scary it was. Apparently the funny thing went through my mind was that all my panic symptoms description in my psychology books all made sense. Yep, I experienced panic attack whilst diving in a 2m deep sea. Give me some credit, the sea was a bit choppy, but in the end I made it, dove, swam with the fishes, saw some turtles, made some new friends, which made me feel old and useless coz they were a year younger than me, but have a stable job and able to plan their own holiday whilst for me, I still rely on my parents. Wait, it gets worst later on.

Before my brother came back, we had grandma to stay with us, and as I was also doing my practical training in IIUM.FM. Parents were of course working, so I did went back and forth between UIA and home everyday. It was tiring, but knowing that it helped mom not to worry too much about grandma, it was just worth it.

Anyway, that was the first half of the years. The second just got 'better'. Ramadhan was still during the holidays, my brother left just before that, so basically he did not spent it here. Of course Eid as well. I spent Ramadhan days at IIUM.FM conty, doing part time. But others things started to occur. Let's just say that sometimes being a listener has its setbacks.

First you start by listening, than you started to get involve, and in the end you think you are pulling people out of the mud, but the actual fact is that you were the one left being stuck in the rut, and nobody noticed that you fell in. I sank deep. Too deep. I was on the verge of another breakdown. The last I had was quite some years back, and this time, I understood what was going on. It was like my life was flashing, showing pictures on a black and white, old film projector. I couldn't control it, and when I could, it was really tiring going against the tide. I knew nobody could handle me. Nobody understood. I tried. I tried hard. The harder I tried, the harder it gets. I broke down several time. I wasted most of this semester not going to classes even when it was just next door. Even when the class was interesting. I nearly failed and got barred from the final exams for most of my papers. Alhamdulillah, I did not get barred, but I assume there must have been. That was how bad it went. I was the shoulder people could rely on, but when I was down, I couldn't even grasp on some foothold. It was like fumbling down an endless, bottomless hole. When I did get to catch on the side, and hang around for a while, it was too short of a break. Just enough time for me to take a breather, feel a little normal before I fell again. People around me could see what was happening, but this semester turned out to be crappy for almost everyone else too, which is why I couldn't... It was too scary.

All the while that this is happening, I never forgot to thank Allah for those people who are still being near me, even when I could not give them even a smile in return. So many cared to remind me to smile, Junaidy, Ifran, Munir, Sonny, Ahmady, Andi, Sami, Cici, Sasa, Faizah, Yana... just to name a few. Even as I was in a bad mood most of the time, not speaking to them, avoiding eye contact with them, they helped, a lot. Even if they did not realised it. And finally, recently, one of these people became the greatest help, the big push that I need to get myself out of this rotten emotional turmoil. He probably does not know this, but his presence was a great boost. I know I should thank him, but I guess that would confuse him even more. Hehe... InsyaAllah, I do pray the best for him though. He is somehow the reason I can smile at the very end of this year. I can even be the shoulder to rely on again. Alhamdulillah.

And now, in less than an hour... Another chapter of my life is about to begin. Next year, will be my final, InsyaAllah, semester in UIA. Hopefully I get to achieve my target, if not do my best. Turning 27 just over a month ago, I hope this year will be a better year for me. With all the experiences, all the tears that was shed throughout the year, I pray I am stronger to face the gales of reality, and fight for my sanity with a more courageous front, a tougher backbone and a stronger heart and soul. Ya Allah, please make the next year a more relaxed year for me. I don't think I can take anymore major setbacks for the time being. It had been a big burden. A long tiring battle. I thank You for all Your Guidance, Love and Blessings. I thank You for all the lovely people you have sent to help me, to guide me, and just being there for me.
Alhamdulillah. Ya Rahman, Ya Kareem.

P/S: Not everything was a major setback. I was apparently named Most Popular Female Person for this year's Comm Nite... Funny, I thought hiding out in the radio conty would make me a hermit, not a girl with a huge teddy bear and a crown =P. And turning 27 with my friends was the best experienced week. Alhamdulillah.

All in all, 2011 was definitely full of....

Shhhh...

My silence is a cry for help
When I look down, that means I'm hiding my tears
I shun away to avoid the hurt
I hide away, into my corner

These steps I have taken before
These steps I have paved before
The outcome is never for sure
The final verdict.. Or just a score

I do not expect you to understand
I know I don't
I do not expect you to come to me
Because I am just a mere nobody...

A sudden burst of inspiration???

It was raining.. Events in life was getting heavier.. Tiredness envelopes. Then.. out of the blue, a sudden burst of inspiration??? =)

We believe that the rain brings sadness and nuisance with its wet presence. But have we ever listened deeply to the cries of the blessed creatures, thanking Him?

We often believe that our emotions are everything. But do we realise that the hollowness feeling is a cry of desperation to be filled with meaningful activities?

We tend to attend to our nafs, which is weak and fragile, easily influenced.
We tend to ignore our 'aql, a stronger part of us. The part that differentiate us from the rest of the creatures. The part that strengthens us in the weakest of moments.

We believe we are strong, different.. Special.
The truth is, we are just like everybody else.
In His eyes, we are all equal.
And only He determines our ranking.

Be careful in what you perceive to be true.
It may just be a myriad of our desires.
Perception can be deceived.
And our desires are always being influenced,
By those who are determined to lead us astray...


Al Fatihah (Surah of a thousand usage)

[I seek refuge with Allah, from the Shaitan, the driven away.]
With the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Rewarding
THE Hamd belong to Allah, the Rabb of all the worlds;
2 the Rahman, the Rahim;
3 Malik of the Day of Requital.
4 You alone we do serve, and to You alone we beseech for help.
5 Guide us on the Right Path,
6 the path of those upon whom You have bestowed favors;
7 not of those upon whom wrath is brought down, nor of those gone-astray.

COMMENTARY

I seek refuge with Allah, from the Shaitan (i.e., the Evil-one, meaning, every insolent or rebellious one from among the jinn, the men and the beasts, Raghib), the driven away (16:98).]

(We commence, 1:4) with (the assistance of) the name of Allah, (the Rahman, i.e.) most Gracious (whose love and mercy are manifested in making providence for all His creatures in the universe), (the Rahim, i.e.) most Rewarding (whose love and mercy are manifested in amply rewarding their righteous actions).

THE Hamd (i.e., all the praises and gratitude) belong to Allah, the Rabb (-the Creator, the Evolver, the Nourisher and the Maintainer) of all the worlds (like the material, spiritual and celestial worlds; to make them progress through evolution until they reach the goal of perfection; and it is due to this attribute in Allah that He brought everything into existence);

2 the Rahman (-the most Gracious, Who manifested His love and mercy to all His creatures and met all their needs, includimg the spiritual needs of mankind through Divine guidance, without their any effort to deserve it, 17:110; 25:60), the Rahim (i.e., the most Rewarding, Who manifests His love and mercy by amply rewarding the creatures for every deeds they do, 3:194);

3 Malik (-Master) of the Day (or the period, 55:29; 70:4) of Requital (which is constantly at work; His chastisement is to make people chaste by rectification, and is not the result of His wrath on man's disobedience; He, being the Master, is more than a king or a judge; and though Just, is at the same time Merciful and Forgiving to the sinners, 39:53).

4 (As we realize your mercy) You alone we do serve (O our Rabb! not merely by reciting Your glory, but by imbibing Your virtues through humble service to You), and to You alone we beseech for help (in obtaining our right place in Your kingdom).
5 Guide us on the (Middle, hence the) Right Path (90:10-18; Matt. 6:11, by protecting us from leaning to either extreme: the rejection or the exaggeration of the Guidance),-

6 the path of those upon whom You have bestowed favors (4:69, and taken into Your mercy);

7 not (the path) of those upon whom wrath is brought down (like the Jews, 2:61,90; 3:111; 5:60, who not only rejected 'Isa Masih, but also tried to kill him on the cross, 2:72; 3:53), nor of those gone-astray (from the Right Path, like the Christians, who not only exaggerated 'Isa Masih, 5:77, but also raised the human prophet to godhead, 4:171; 5:73).

Four Fabulous Men and a Lil Lady (literally)

Any girl will feel lucky to announce that they have A loving father. Me? I have FIVE. How is it possible, you may ask.. I guess LOVE is my secret. My biological father, "Bapak" has sacrificed a lot since I was born. He always wanted a girl, to the extent that, as he loved me so much since I was a baby, we did not need a food mixer to blend my baby food. Just leave it up to bapak to chew my food down to a mush, then feed them to me. Mom always said that he already sucked all the juice out and what was left was his saliva. Gross, but it may be the reason why I have teeth that all dentist love to explore... (self boast alert!) Anyway, this is not the story of my lovely bapak (I love you, but I'll save the 'juice' for another time). No, this is the story of my other FOUR fathers, who,... Let's just say they are tight friends, and I have no idea why I am here typing this... (you'll probably see). First let me introduce to you the FAB FOUR...

Papa Jo.. the father who invites me to contribute to crime and go to war (on Mafia Wars of course).. and just this morning, encouraged me to eat fast food.. How cool =D

Ayah Wan.. the quiet type, just before he burst out into a laughing fit. A handsome joker, who is always quip with a witty comment that can make you smile even on the worst of days.

Ayah Lan.. a soft hearted fellow, who acts tough, but still, he is mortal. A serious journalist, he has a gift for coming up with out of the blue with remarks that lethally could send people rolling on the floor with aching cheeks.

Then there is sir Mahzan, a zany Head of Department who would just pop out from anywhere and ask you baffling questions. But I can tell ya, the most baffling part is, he prefers to wear his shoes without socks. Don't believe me, ask him to personally show you..

A deadly bunch? You have no idea..

So anyway, why me? Why them? Why this? Hehe.. I don't really know, but today, all four, from different angles seemed to bleep out their signals, which got my attention, and got me thinking (they apparent are masters in disguising this ability. You won't even notice that your brain is actually functioning)

Who are they? First and foremost, they were my lecturers. I say were, because now they are far more than just lecturers, thus me calling them 'fathers'.

I remember the first time I went to let my stress out to Papa Jo... He said, "What did *tuut* do now?" Haha.. No, he wasn't swearing, but he just gives you the feeling that everything will be ok.. Awesome and caring, I am always reminded to go back whenever he finds out I spend too much time in the conty, but lovingly never actually stop me from having ideas or go crazy on matters to do with the radio. He taught me that passion in work is the most satisfactory reward there is. Ikhlas.

Then there is Ayah Wan, who looks over your shoulders when you answer his exam papers, giving you the hibby jibbies because you caught a snicker after he read a few lines of your answer. It did not help when after the exam, he would rummage through the sheets to find your answer booklet, and mark them in front of you! Yep, I still remember that.. My eyes bulged out with all the red markings =) He sometimes pokes jokes, but I don't mind, because when he smiles, it's like the sun will never stop shining. Also a hard worker, he opened up my mind to a whole new world of culture with his stories of travels and adventure. And mind you, these are real ones, not made up fiction (I think... hmmm..) The world became bigger and greater through his lens, and someday I hope to have the opportunity to visit at least one of the countries he has set foot in, and divulge in the culture.

Sir Mahzan, as I mentioned is bonkers. I know.. He's the HOD, but seriously. He has a lot of information in his mind, given his age (oppss..), and also his experience. You feel that you can ask him about anything under the sun, and he would have a point of view for you to ponder, or more likely, get confused with. Management, to me, is his specialty. But being sir Mahzan Ahmad, he always has the laid back approach. With the famous "Hello" in his British accent, he pops in and out, but his thoughts lingers around for days.

Ayah Lan.. What do I say. Stomping his boots around in his military suit, intimidating would be anyone's first impression. A closer inspection will portray a much deeper man. Loony may be the word to describe him, because he just love to stir up our brains. Taking his words on how he conducts his classes, I may say that I am glad I am not in it. Although maybe one day I'll peep in and hang just to see the reaction he gets. Hehe.. you must be confuse. You see, like I said before, he loves to crack jokes at abrupt moments. One minute he would be saying something from the textbook, then explaining it. The next moment he would out of the blue make a comment, that if you are not quick enough, the moment is lost in translation. Oh, by the way, this does not only happen in the classroom, but most of the time, where ever he sets foot on this earth. He can practically joke about anything, even periods (long story).

You know, it may seem that they are just an ordinary bunch of (old) guys =P, but honestly, getting to know them has been both pleasure and pain. Like they say, there is no yin without the yang. They have managed to teach me things about the working of life in the most lovingly insane way. I keep stressing that I love my moments with them, but indeed they can drive you up the wall, in a good way I mean. They do the craziest things, make you laugh, poke you around, tell you to do stuff, but every time, I am always too glad to comply. I don't know, maybe you think they have voodooed me or something. But I can honestly say, it is the sincerity of them wanting us to learn the lessons of life, wanting us to understand how to protect ourselves from the wolves of the world, giving us the flying lesson we need to spread our wings, loving us with all they can, caring for our well being like we were their own children... I can go on and on... Their jokes can drive you bonkers, make you teary eyed, but the special treatment that each and everyone of us get from them, we feel them strongly in our hearts. Their lessons are powerful and bold. I just would love to thank them from the bottom of my heart for all their time spent. I probably could not got through my final year without them behind me, pushing me to go forward, and sometimes even taking my hand when the steps seems so painstakingly heavy. Their love, I would cherish forever. The bond and memories we shared will be forever be engraved in my memories, and I will indeed tell them to my children. I may not share them all with you, because the memories are private. But I can tell you this, each day I am blessed with tem around.

To my ayahs and papas, THANK YOU for everything. I can never do or say anything that will come close to how much I appreciate all of you, and nothing I do will ever be enough to repay you all. All I can do, is to pray for you, your health, you life, and always, always be in His Love, Guidance, Mercy, Blessing and Bounty.

***Just as a precaution, when you put Papa Jo, Papa Mahzan, Ayah Wan and Ayah Lan together in a room, be warned, your brain may end up needing to be rewired, and you abdomen restitched. Attempt at your own risk. Trust me, I (unfortunately) know.***