Well, 2011. What can I say. I can conclude it has been a most challenging year I have faced so far. A lot of happenings, most better not to describe. My dad being in hospital for the early part of the year. Feeling helpless in not doing anything. The feeling of lost, worried, hopeless, confused, dazed... Thank Allah that he blessed me with some of the greatest friends there is to have around whenever these feelings occur. Amierah, Waji, Jamie. I love you three so much. Thank you for all the time you were there, to read all my mindless messages and just laugh, coz I needed them. Thank you for the hugs, however awkward sometimes they were. :) I know I am not the best of companion, I know there so much part of me that I remain hidden from you, but you must know that it is not that I do not want to tell, bare them all, but I am actually afraid of my own shadows. I may act tough, talk the talk, but I do not walk the walk. Not even stride the ride.
Early of the year was amazing too. I became acquainted with a feeling that I never thought I would ever experience, ever, in my life. After over 26 years, this was the first time I opened up and it was amazing. I realised a long time before that I was already ready, but the right person has not come along yet. At first I may have thought that this was it, but you know what, the saying is so true. You will not know the difference between the a diamond and the glass if you never got cut by the fake one. Hehe.. I love playing with words. Yeah, it was amazing, yet it fumbled as soon as it started. Those who I confided into helped so much, and no, I was not as badly damaged as it seemed, coz I took the brighter side. Like I said, I was amazed that I even got to experience that feeling at all. Being able to let some of my burden of my shoulder, to share it with someone and just to know that that person is sharing it even though they could only do just as much. Sharing. It really is a beautiful concept.
This year, the break was too long. My brother came back for a short while and I spent most of my time wondering why I wanted him to come back. I know. I do miss him. But he was him. My brother who would butt into issues, not knowing the whole story, making suggestions that (maybe I am the paranoid one) may or may not affect people. Some of his thought did make sense, but it just does not fit the piece. I never thought it before, but maybe he too just want to fit in. We went to Sabah anyway. Now that was amazing. Mabul was beautiful, even though the weather was not as fine, but the last day was just brilliant. We took scuba diving, and I realised that I have a fear of not being in control of situations. It took me a whole day and the next (until my instructor actually asked if I just wanted to waste my time on the surface rather than in the bottom), I realised then that I would be wasting money, so I fored myself down. You have no idea how scary it was. Apparently the funny thing went through my mind was that all my panic symptoms description in my psychology books all made sense. Yep, I experienced panic attack whilst diving in a 2m deep sea. Give me some credit, the sea was a bit choppy, but in the end I made it, dove, swam with the fishes, saw some turtles, made some new friends, which made me feel old and useless coz they were a year younger than me, but have a stable job and able to plan their own holiday whilst for me, I still rely on my parents. Wait, it gets worst later on.
Before my brother came back, we had grandma to stay with us, and as I was also doing my practical training in IIUM.FM. Parents were of course working, so I did went back and forth between UIA and home everyday. It was tiring, but knowing that it helped mom not to worry too much about grandma, it was just worth it.
Anyway, that was the first half of the years. The second just got 'better'. Ramadhan was still during the holidays, my brother left just before that, so basically he did not spent it here. Of course Eid as well. I spent Ramadhan days at IIUM.FM conty, doing part time. But others things started to occur. Let's just say that sometimes being a listener has its setbacks.
First you start by listening, than you started to get involve, and in the end you think you are pulling people out of the mud, but the actual fact is that you were the one left being stuck in the rut, and nobody noticed that you fell in. I sank deep. Too deep. I was on the verge of another breakdown. The last I had was quite some years back, and this time, I understood what was going on. It was like my life was flashing, showing pictures on a black and white, old film projector. I couldn't control it, and when I could, it was really tiring going against the tide. I knew nobody could handle me. Nobody understood. I tried. I tried hard. The harder I tried, the harder it gets. I broke down several time. I wasted most of this semester not going to classes even when it was just next door. Even when the class was interesting. I nearly failed and got barred from the final exams for most of my papers. Alhamdulillah, I did not get barred, but I assume there must have been. That was how bad it went. I was the shoulder people could rely on, but when I was down, I couldn't even grasp on some foothold. It was like fumbling down an endless, bottomless hole. When I did get to catch on the side, and hang around for a while, it was too short of a break. Just enough time for me to take a breather, feel a little normal before I fell again. People around me could see what was happening, but this semester turned out to be crappy for almost everyone else too, which is why I couldn't... It was too scary.
All the while that this is happening, I never forgot to thank Allah for those people who are still being near me, even when I could not give them even a smile in return. So many cared to remind me to smile, Junaidy, Ifran, Munir, Sonny, Ahmady, Andi, Sami, Cici, Sasa, Faizah, Yana... just to name a few. Even as I was in a bad mood most of the time, not speaking to them, avoiding eye contact with them, they helped, a lot. Even if they did not realised it. And finally, recently, one of these people became the greatest help, the big push that I need to get myself out of this rotten emotional turmoil. He probably does not know this, but his presence was a great boost. I know I should thank him, but I guess that would confuse him even more. Hehe... InsyaAllah, I do pray the best for him though. He is somehow the reason I can smile at the very end of this year. I can even be the shoulder to rely on again. Alhamdulillah.
And now, in less than an hour... Another chapter of my life is about to begin. Next year, will be my final, InsyaAllah, semester in UIA. Hopefully I get to achieve my target, if not do my best. Turning 27 just over a month ago, I hope this year will be a better year for me. With all the experiences, all the tears that was shed throughout the year, I pray I am stronger to face the gales of reality, and fight for my sanity with a more courageous front, a tougher backbone and a stronger heart and soul. Ya Allah, please make the next year a more relaxed year for me. I don't think I can take anymore major setbacks for the time being. It had been a big burden. A long tiring battle. I thank You for all Your Guidance, Love and Blessings. I thank You for all the lovely people you have sent to help me, to guide me, and just being there for me.
Alhamdulillah. Ya Rahman, Ya Kareem.
P/S: Not everything was a major setback. I was apparently named Most Popular Female Person for this year's Comm Nite... Funny, I thought hiding out in the radio conty would make me a hermit, not a girl with a huge teddy bear and a crown =P. And turning 27 with my friends was the best experienced week. Alhamdulillah.
All in all, 2011 was definitely full of....
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