2011 : Full of....

Wow, I remember this time last year, I was composing another such 'New Year's' post and by the time it was published, the title was the same as a good friend of mine's, Wajihah. I know I do not blog a lot, coz basically I dont believe anybody is even interested in reading the posts, but I do write in once in a while, especially when I do not have anywhere else to let go of the feelings bottled up inside of. Even as I am typing this, my eyes are beginning to get watery. Hehe..

Well, 2011. What can I say. I can conclude it has been a most challenging year I have faced so far. A lot of happenings, most better not to describe. My dad being in hospital for the early part of the year. Feeling helpless in not doing anything. The feeling of lost, worried, hopeless, confused, dazed... Thank Allah that he blessed me with some of the greatest friends there is to have around whenever these feelings occur. Amierah, Waji, Jamie. I love you three so much. Thank you for all the time you were there, to read all my mindless messages and just laugh, coz I needed them. Thank you for the hugs, however awkward sometimes they were. :) I know I am not the best of companion, I know there so much part of me that I remain hidden from you, but you must know that it is not that I do not want to tell, bare them all, but I am actually afraid of my own shadows. I may act tough, talk the talk, but I do not walk the walk. Not even stride the ride.

Early of the year was amazing too. I became acquainted with a feeling that I never thought I would ever experience, ever, in my life. After over 26 years, this was the first time I opened up and it was amazing. I realised a long time before that I was already ready, but the right person has not come along yet. At first I may have thought that this was it, but you know what, the saying is so true. You will not know the difference between the a diamond and the glass if you never got cut by the fake one. Hehe.. I love playing with words. Yeah, it was amazing, yet it fumbled as soon as it started. Those who I confided into helped so much, and no, I was not as badly damaged as it seemed, coz I took the brighter side. Like I said, I was amazed that I even got to experience that feeling at all. Being able to let some of my burden of my shoulder, to share it with someone and just to know that that person is sharing it even though they could only do just as much. Sharing. It really is a beautiful concept.

This year, the break was too long. My brother came back for a short while and I spent most of my time wondering why I wanted him to come back. I know. I do miss him. But he was him. My brother who would butt into issues, not knowing the whole story, making suggestions that (maybe I am the paranoid one) may or may not affect people. Some of his thought did make sense, but it just does not fit the piece. I never thought it before, but maybe he too just want to fit in. We went to Sabah anyway. Now that was amazing. Mabul was beautiful, even though the weather was not as fine, but the last day was just brilliant. We took scuba diving, and I realised that I have a fear of not being in control of situations. It took me a whole day and the next (until my instructor actually asked if I just wanted to waste my time on the surface rather than in the bottom), I realised then that I would be wasting money, so I fored myself down. You have no idea how scary it was. Apparently the funny thing went through my mind was that all my panic symptoms description in my psychology books all made sense. Yep, I experienced panic attack whilst diving in a 2m deep sea. Give me some credit, the sea was a bit choppy, but in the end I made it, dove, swam with the fishes, saw some turtles, made some new friends, which made me feel old and useless coz they were a year younger than me, but have a stable job and able to plan their own holiday whilst for me, I still rely on my parents. Wait, it gets worst later on.

Before my brother came back, we had grandma to stay with us, and as I was also doing my practical training in IIUM.FM. Parents were of course working, so I did went back and forth between UIA and home everyday. It was tiring, but knowing that it helped mom not to worry too much about grandma, it was just worth it.

Anyway, that was the first half of the years. The second just got 'better'. Ramadhan was still during the holidays, my brother left just before that, so basically he did not spent it here. Of course Eid as well. I spent Ramadhan days at IIUM.FM conty, doing part time. But others things started to occur. Let's just say that sometimes being a listener has its setbacks.

First you start by listening, than you started to get involve, and in the end you think you are pulling people out of the mud, but the actual fact is that you were the one left being stuck in the rut, and nobody noticed that you fell in. I sank deep. Too deep. I was on the verge of another breakdown. The last I had was quite some years back, and this time, I understood what was going on. It was like my life was flashing, showing pictures on a black and white, old film projector. I couldn't control it, and when I could, it was really tiring going against the tide. I knew nobody could handle me. Nobody understood. I tried. I tried hard. The harder I tried, the harder it gets. I broke down several time. I wasted most of this semester not going to classes even when it was just next door. Even when the class was interesting. I nearly failed and got barred from the final exams for most of my papers. Alhamdulillah, I did not get barred, but I assume there must have been. That was how bad it went. I was the shoulder people could rely on, but when I was down, I couldn't even grasp on some foothold. It was like fumbling down an endless, bottomless hole. When I did get to catch on the side, and hang around for a while, it was too short of a break. Just enough time for me to take a breather, feel a little normal before I fell again. People around me could see what was happening, but this semester turned out to be crappy for almost everyone else too, which is why I couldn't... It was too scary.

All the while that this is happening, I never forgot to thank Allah for those people who are still being near me, even when I could not give them even a smile in return. So many cared to remind me to smile, Junaidy, Ifran, Munir, Sonny, Ahmady, Andi, Sami, Cici, Sasa, Faizah, Yana... just to name a few. Even as I was in a bad mood most of the time, not speaking to them, avoiding eye contact with them, they helped, a lot. Even if they did not realised it. And finally, recently, one of these people became the greatest help, the big push that I need to get myself out of this rotten emotional turmoil. He probably does not know this, but his presence was a great boost. I know I should thank him, but I guess that would confuse him even more. Hehe... InsyaAllah, I do pray the best for him though. He is somehow the reason I can smile at the very end of this year. I can even be the shoulder to rely on again. Alhamdulillah.

And now, in less than an hour... Another chapter of my life is about to begin. Next year, will be my final, InsyaAllah, semester in UIA. Hopefully I get to achieve my target, if not do my best. Turning 27 just over a month ago, I hope this year will be a better year for me. With all the experiences, all the tears that was shed throughout the year, I pray I am stronger to face the gales of reality, and fight for my sanity with a more courageous front, a tougher backbone and a stronger heart and soul. Ya Allah, please make the next year a more relaxed year for me. I don't think I can take anymore major setbacks for the time being. It had been a big burden. A long tiring battle. I thank You for all Your Guidance, Love and Blessings. I thank You for all the lovely people you have sent to help me, to guide me, and just being there for me.
Alhamdulillah. Ya Rahman, Ya Kareem.

P/S: Not everything was a major setback. I was apparently named Most Popular Female Person for this year's Comm Nite... Funny, I thought hiding out in the radio conty would make me a hermit, not a girl with a huge teddy bear and a crown =P. And turning 27 with my friends was the best experienced week. Alhamdulillah.

All in all, 2011 was definitely full of....

Shhhh...

My silence is a cry for help
When I look down, that means I'm hiding my tears
I shun away to avoid the hurt
I hide away, into my corner

These steps I have taken before
These steps I have paved before
The outcome is never for sure
The final verdict.. Or just a score

I do not expect you to understand
I know I don't
I do not expect you to come to me
Because I am just a mere nobody...

A sudden burst of inspiration???

It was raining.. Events in life was getting heavier.. Tiredness envelopes. Then.. out of the blue, a sudden burst of inspiration??? =)

We believe that the rain brings sadness and nuisance with its wet presence. But have we ever listened deeply to the cries of the blessed creatures, thanking Him?

We often believe that our emotions are everything. But do we realise that the hollowness feeling is a cry of desperation to be filled with meaningful activities?

We tend to attend to our nafs, which is weak and fragile, easily influenced.
We tend to ignore our 'aql, a stronger part of us. The part that differentiate us from the rest of the creatures. The part that strengthens us in the weakest of moments.

We believe we are strong, different.. Special.
The truth is, we are just like everybody else.
In His eyes, we are all equal.
And only He determines our ranking.

Be careful in what you perceive to be true.
It may just be a myriad of our desires.
Perception can be deceived.
And our desires are always being influenced,
By those who are determined to lead us astray...


Al Fatihah (Surah of a thousand usage)

[I seek refuge with Allah, from the Shaitan, the driven away.]
With the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Rewarding
THE Hamd belong to Allah, the Rabb of all the worlds;
2 the Rahman, the Rahim;
3 Malik of the Day of Requital.
4 You alone we do serve, and to You alone we beseech for help.
5 Guide us on the Right Path,
6 the path of those upon whom You have bestowed favors;
7 not of those upon whom wrath is brought down, nor of those gone-astray.

COMMENTARY

I seek refuge with Allah, from the Shaitan (i.e., the Evil-one, meaning, every insolent or rebellious one from among the jinn, the men and the beasts, Raghib), the driven away (16:98).]

(We commence, 1:4) with (the assistance of) the name of Allah, (the Rahman, i.e.) most Gracious (whose love and mercy are manifested in making providence for all His creatures in the universe), (the Rahim, i.e.) most Rewarding (whose love and mercy are manifested in amply rewarding their righteous actions).

THE Hamd (i.e., all the praises and gratitude) belong to Allah, the Rabb (-the Creator, the Evolver, the Nourisher and the Maintainer) of all the worlds (like the material, spiritual and celestial worlds; to make them progress through evolution until they reach the goal of perfection; and it is due to this attribute in Allah that He brought everything into existence);

2 the Rahman (-the most Gracious, Who manifested His love and mercy to all His creatures and met all their needs, includimg the spiritual needs of mankind through Divine guidance, without their any effort to deserve it, 17:110; 25:60), the Rahim (i.e., the most Rewarding, Who manifests His love and mercy by amply rewarding the creatures for every deeds they do, 3:194);

3 Malik (-Master) of the Day (or the period, 55:29; 70:4) of Requital (which is constantly at work; His chastisement is to make people chaste by rectification, and is not the result of His wrath on man's disobedience; He, being the Master, is more than a king or a judge; and though Just, is at the same time Merciful and Forgiving to the sinners, 39:53).

4 (As we realize your mercy) You alone we do serve (O our Rabb! not merely by reciting Your glory, but by imbibing Your virtues through humble service to You), and to You alone we beseech for help (in obtaining our right place in Your kingdom).
5 Guide us on the (Middle, hence the) Right Path (90:10-18; Matt. 6:11, by protecting us from leaning to either extreme: the rejection or the exaggeration of the Guidance),-

6 the path of those upon whom You have bestowed favors (4:69, and taken into Your mercy);

7 not (the path) of those upon whom wrath is brought down (like the Jews, 2:61,90; 3:111; 5:60, who not only rejected 'Isa Masih, but also tried to kill him on the cross, 2:72; 3:53), nor of those gone-astray (from the Right Path, like the Christians, who not only exaggerated 'Isa Masih, 5:77, but also raised the human prophet to godhead, 4:171; 5:73).

Four Fabulous Men and a Lil Lady (literally)

Any girl will feel lucky to announce that they have A loving father. Me? I have FIVE. How is it possible, you may ask.. I guess LOVE is my secret. My biological father, "Bapak" has sacrificed a lot since I was born. He always wanted a girl, to the extent that, as he loved me so much since I was a baby, we did not need a food mixer to blend my baby food. Just leave it up to bapak to chew my food down to a mush, then feed them to me. Mom always said that he already sucked all the juice out and what was left was his saliva. Gross, but it may be the reason why I have teeth that all dentist love to explore... (self boast alert!) Anyway, this is not the story of my lovely bapak (I love you, but I'll save the 'juice' for another time). No, this is the story of my other FOUR fathers, who,... Let's just say they are tight friends, and I have no idea why I am here typing this... (you'll probably see). First let me introduce to you the FAB FOUR...

Papa Jo.. the father who invites me to contribute to crime and go to war (on Mafia Wars of course).. and just this morning, encouraged me to eat fast food.. How cool =D

Ayah Wan.. the quiet type, just before he burst out into a laughing fit. A handsome joker, who is always quip with a witty comment that can make you smile even on the worst of days.

Ayah Lan.. a soft hearted fellow, who acts tough, but still, he is mortal. A serious journalist, he has a gift for coming up with out of the blue with remarks that lethally could send people rolling on the floor with aching cheeks.

Then there is sir Mahzan, a zany Head of Department who would just pop out from anywhere and ask you baffling questions. But I can tell ya, the most baffling part is, he prefers to wear his shoes without socks. Don't believe me, ask him to personally show you..

A deadly bunch? You have no idea..

So anyway, why me? Why them? Why this? Hehe.. I don't really know, but today, all four, from different angles seemed to bleep out their signals, which got my attention, and got me thinking (they apparent are masters in disguising this ability. You won't even notice that your brain is actually functioning)

Who are they? First and foremost, they were my lecturers. I say were, because now they are far more than just lecturers, thus me calling them 'fathers'.

I remember the first time I went to let my stress out to Papa Jo... He said, "What did *tuut* do now?" Haha.. No, he wasn't swearing, but he just gives you the feeling that everything will be ok.. Awesome and caring, I am always reminded to go back whenever he finds out I spend too much time in the conty, but lovingly never actually stop me from having ideas or go crazy on matters to do with the radio. He taught me that passion in work is the most satisfactory reward there is. Ikhlas.

Then there is Ayah Wan, who looks over your shoulders when you answer his exam papers, giving you the hibby jibbies because you caught a snicker after he read a few lines of your answer. It did not help when after the exam, he would rummage through the sheets to find your answer booklet, and mark them in front of you! Yep, I still remember that.. My eyes bulged out with all the red markings =) He sometimes pokes jokes, but I don't mind, because when he smiles, it's like the sun will never stop shining. Also a hard worker, he opened up my mind to a whole new world of culture with his stories of travels and adventure. And mind you, these are real ones, not made up fiction (I think... hmmm..) The world became bigger and greater through his lens, and someday I hope to have the opportunity to visit at least one of the countries he has set foot in, and divulge in the culture.

Sir Mahzan, as I mentioned is bonkers. I know.. He's the HOD, but seriously. He has a lot of information in his mind, given his age (oppss..), and also his experience. You feel that you can ask him about anything under the sun, and he would have a point of view for you to ponder, or more likely, get confused with. Management, to me, is his specialty. But being sir Mahzan Ahmad, he always has the laid back approach. With the famous "Hello" in his British accent, he pops in and out, but his thoughts lingers around for days.

Ayah Lan.. What do I say. Stomping his boots around in his military suit, intimidating would be anyone's first impression. A closer inspection will portray a much deeper man. Loony may be the word to describe him, because he just love to stir up our brains. Taking his words on how he conducts his classes, I may say that I am glad I am not in it. Although maybe one day I'll peep in and hang just to see the reaction he gets. Hehe.. you must be confuse. You see, like I said before, he loves to crack jokes at abrupt moments. One minute he would be saying something from the textbook, then explaining it. The next moment he would out of the blue make a comment, that if you are not quick enough, the moment is lost in translation. Oh, by the way, this does not only happen in the classroom, but most of the time, where ever he sets foot on this earth. He can practically joke about anything, even periods (long story).

You know, it may seem that they are just an ordinary bunch of (old) guys =P, but honestly, getting to know them has been both pleasure and pain. Like they say, there is no yin without the yang. They have managed to teach me things about the working of life in the most lovingly insane way. I keep stressing that I love my moments with them, but indeed they can drive you up the wall, in a good way I mean. They do the craziest things, make you laugh, poke you around, tell you to do stuff, but every time, I am always too glad to comply. I don't know, maybe you think they have voodooed me or something. But I can honestly say, it is the sincerity of them wanting us to learn the lessons of life, wanting us to understand how to protect ourselves from the wolves of the world, giving us the flying lesson we need to spread our wings, loving us with all they can, caring for our well being like we were their own children... I can go on and on... Their jokes can drive you bonkers, make you teary eyed, but the special treatment that each and everyone of us get from them, we feel them strongly in our hearts. Their lessons are powerful and bold. I just would love to thank them from the bottom of my heart for all their time spent. I probably could not got through my final year without them behind me, pushing me to go forward, and sometimes even taking my hand when the steps seems so painstakingly heavy. Their love, I would cherish forever. The bond and memories we shared will be forever be engraved in my memories, and I will indeed tell them to my children. I may not share them all with you, because the memories are private. But I can tell you this, each day I am blessed with tem around.

To my ayahs and papas, THANK YOU for everything. I can never do or say anything that will come close to how much I appreciate all of you, and nothing I do will ever be enough to repay you all. All I can do, is to pray for you, your health, you life, and always, always be in His Love, Guidance, Mercy, Blessing and Bounty.

***Just as a precaution, when you put Papa Jo, Papa Mahzan, Ayah Wan and Ayah Lan together in a room, be warned, your brain may end up needing to be rewired, and you abdomen restitched. Attempt at your own risk. Trust me, I (unfortunately) know.***

Apologies and Letting Go...

Deat Readers (if I do have any...XP)

Lately, life has played its twist and turn games with me, again! I'm not here to complain, as this is what we have to expect in life, right? It has already been three weeks into my practical training, and I feel that I have not accomplished anything. I can't even fill in my daily log book. I don't recall what I did, and when I do, it's not anything to do with my practical work. I have been slacking behind, and I feel guilty of keeping Miera doing all the hard work, not to mention that she still has to think about ETW. Yes, life sucks rite about now. No, I'm not saying that I'm not grateful, coz I DEFINITELY AM GRATEFUL to Allah The All Mighty for all the blessing He has bestowed upon me. With family and friends all around me, nobody can feel unblessed. Yoou know, being able to counsel and advise others does not mean that you do not need counseling yourself. Waji, Mieras, Yana, sir Roslan, I Love You all. Thank you for taking the time and effort to care for me. I may be a nuisance at times, but I do realise that you all care for me so much, and I thank Allah for your presence, love and care. Only He can repay all the love you have given me.

Studies. As I said earlier, I have been slacking off lately. Since last semester. I don't know why. i just lost the motivation to study. Maybe I got myself too involve in the conty work, that I kinda loose track of my studies. As a result, my pointer went down again. Yep, it's below three, again. I know, but I don't really care at the moment. If I do not get a job after my 4 years in UIA, I might as well continue to build the company, help mom with our latest project, and maybe, just maybe, finish that proposal I have been keeping myself away from for so long.

Time. Everyone has 24 hours a day, and I know most complain that it is not enough. Same goes here. But, I must admit, it is my fault. Sometimes I do things that I am not supposed to do, when I am supposed to do something else. And I'm not blaming fate either, but sometimes, we plan, but He plans something else. During the recent semester break, I planned to work, as the offer from TV3 was coming in, and to start tutoring again. As I said, He had other plans. My cousin came. No problem there. He can take care of himself. Then tok (grandma) came and stayed with us. She is old and senile, thus caring for her is a 24 hour job. Since mom and dad are working, and my cousin sleeps more than a sloth does in a day, I am the one who, do not even have to volunteer, was the one who took the responsibility. So, in the end, I only got a few jobs done, and tutoring was not even mentioned again. Sorry Kak Shikin, dah brapa kali la orang janji nak start, tp tak menjadi-jadi lagi. (btw, my cousin has since improved. He is now working on the weekends and takes care of tok on the weekdays, though needs a little bit of nagging sometimes).

Sleep. Deprivation or lack of it. Now I know what it means. Being tired all the time. During the day, mom, dad are obviously working, and I am in the conty for my practical training. At night, which is supposed to be the time of rest, is not accomplished as tok does not know the difference between day and night anymore. She would roam around the house in the middl of the night, which we usually ignore, but never totally asleep, coz of the possibility that she might fall and hurt herself in the dark. Then turn on th elights I hear you say. Not an option, it is a kind of psych to make her feel it's night so that she would sleep, plus at least we get a short nap or two in the dark. Now, if she doesn't bother us, it would not be as bad, but sometimes she would start talking, asking about people whom have long since pass. Yep, creepy enough.

Love. I felt it. Even more by the day. I don't know how and why and when, but I realised that it is a wonderful feeling. I thank Ar-Rahim for opening my heart and giving me the chance to experience this beautiful feeling that I never though I would feel. I am blessed to be surrounded by people who love me to... ♥♥♥

As I wrote this post, my FB status is:

Love. Different meaning to different people.
If I take the time to care about you, cry for you, list your name in my du'as,
in my FB, & and at times bother you with my worries, that means I Love You, and trust you.
So people, thank you from the bottom of my heart,
for caring about me, and being patient with me all these while.
I'm sorry for anything and everything I have done to annoy, disturb and bug you.
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Work. As much as I admit to being an extremely lazy person at times, I actually love the work in the radio conty. The hassle and fuss of thinking of what to do for the radio, how to improve ourselves, and thinking of what programs and raking in ideas for PSAa and Adverts... I guess this is the area I am finally interested in, which makes it even more fun. I love Amierah Amer, coz she help me, a lot, taking on the responsibilities too... It's fun working with her, and I am glad she is here, doing our practical training together. Love you babe.

Responsibilities. Sometimes being responsible has its limits. There is such thing as taking on too much. And with that note and very reason, I pulled myself out of the Journalism on Campus (JOC) program by NSTP. I know the program would benefit me in the long run, bring me into new knowledge and widens my horizon, but I do have to put my stand. I backed out, not because of fear, but because I know deep in my heart that I will not be able to follow through with program and manage my other responsibilities. Thus, sometimes we just have to say NO.

Forgiveness. I have been feeling down a little lately. Not so much, as with all the love I am getting, the feeling is all from me alone. I beg forgiveness from everyone whom I have touched or just even visited in their lives. I know I can be a nuisance and annoying sometimes, and even go out of boundaries too. Its not my place. Thus I apologise. Sincerely, I am sorry.

Heartbreak. No.. not the lovey dovey type. I don't know what came over me lately. I confessed to something that I was beginning to loose the feeling of. The confession was never meant to have been out. I guess thing happen for a reason. i am not really saddened by the reaction I received, as I kinda expected it. In fact, I was relieved in a sense, coz not I won't have to think about it too much. But what really got to me was the outcome, the second part of the reaction. I can forget a heartache, I have done numerous times before, but 'cutting off' a friendship tie, due to some misunderstanding really, really got me feeling down. A friendship to me is way more sacred than any courtship. I do have my own opinions on courtship, and I would prefer not to be in one as I have promised to save myself, my love, and everything for my husband, if I ever get married lah. But this is not up to me. It is up to that person, either that person is willing to have me as a friend or otherwise. But if ever that person needs me, I am always here, coz I never broke my end of the tie, just keeping my distance, in respect to that person and that person's space and feelings. In actual fact, I realised that all this was my own doing. I let my guard down, forgot my protective security, 'lalai' with my responsibilities to Allah, and to myself. That gave syaitan the opportunity to enter my heart and played around with my mind and emotions.

*To that person in particular, I am sorry if I have ever hurt you, in any instance during our friendship. And if ever you are in need, in the future, I am still here, as always. Your friendship is a blessing to me, and I will not forget all that you have done and all that you have taught me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.*

Chance. With all that has been happening, I realised that partly I am to blame. I have distanced myself from Allah. I do pray, but did not put my heart into it. I did ask, but did not put my effort into earning it. I did cry, but was not sincere enough. As that is said, as all that has happened so far, I turn my face back to HIM. He showed me this light. He gave me this path. He gave me this chance. A chance to rectify all my wrong doings. A chance to get back to the right path. A chance for me to seek forgiveness and strengthened myself, my iman and taqwa. Alhamdulillah, for this chance. InsyaAllah, I will take this as a lesson and redeem myself, to benefit me and others.

Dear Readers (if i do hv any... XP),

Lately, life has played its twist and turn games with me, again! I'm not here to complain, as this is what we have to expect in life, right? It has already been three weeks into my practical training, and I feel that I have not accomplished anything. I can't even fill in my daily log book. I don't recall what I did, and when I do, it's not anything to do with my practical work. I have been slacking behind, and I feel guilty of keeping Miera doing all the hard work, not to mention that she still has to think about ETW. Yes, life sucks rite about now. No, I'm not saying that I'm not grateful, coz I DEFINITELY AM GRATEFUL to Allah The All Mighty for all the blessing he has bestowed upon me. With family and friends all around me, nobody can feel unblessed. You know, being able to counsel and advise others does not mean that you do not need counseling yourself. Waji, Miera, Yana, sir Roslan, I Love You all. Thank you for taking the time and effort to care for me. I may be a nuisance sometimes, but I do realise that you all care for me so much, and I thank Allah for your presence, love and care. Only He can repay all the love you have given me.

Studies. As I said earlier, I have been slacking off lately. Since last semester. I don't know why. I just lost the motivation to study. Maybe I got myself too involve in the conty work, that I kinda loose track of my studies. As a result, my pointer went down, again. Yep, it's below three. I know, but I don't really care at the moment. If I do not get a job after my 4 years in UIA, I might as well continue to build the company, help mom with our latest project, and maybe, just maybe, finish that proposal I have been keeping myself away from for so long.

Time. Everyone has 24 hours a day, and I know most complain that is not enough. Same goes here. But, I must admit, it is my fault. Sometimes I do things that I am not supposed to do, when I am supposed something else. And I'm not blaming fate either, but sometimes, we plan, but He plans something else. During the semester break, I planned to work, as the offer from TV3 was coming in, and even start tutoring again. But He had other plans. My cousin came. No problem there. He can take care of himself. Then tok (grandma) came and stayed with us. She is old and senile, thus caring for her means a 24 hour job. Since mom and dad is working, and my cousin sleeps more than a sloth does in a day, I am the one who, do not even have to volunteer, was the one who took the responsibility. So, in the end, I only got a few jobs done and tutoring was not even mentioned again. Sorry Kak Shikin, dah brapa kali la orang janji nak start, tp tak menjadi-jadi lagi. (btw, my cousin has since improved. He is now working on the weekends, and taking care of tok in the weekdays, though need a little bit of nagging sometimes)

Sleep. Deprivation or lack of it. Now I know what it means. Being tired all the time. During the day, mak, and myself are working. At night, which is supposed to be the time of rest, is not accomplished as tok does not know the difference between day and night anymore. She would roam around the house, which we usually ignore, but we are never totally asleep, coz of the possibility that she might fall and hurt herself in the dark. Now, if she doesn't bother us, it would not be as bad, but sometimes she would start talking, asking about people whom have passed along time ago. Yep, creepy enough.

Love. I felt it. Even more by the day. I don't how and why and when, but I realised that it is a wonderful feeling. I thank Ar-Rahim for opening my heart and giving me the chance to experience this beautiful feeling. I am blessed to be surrounded by people who love me too... ♥♥♥

As I wrote this post, my FB status is:

Love. Different meaning to different people.

If I take the time to care about you, cry for you, list your name in my du'as,

in my FB, & at times bother you with my worries, that means I Love You, and trust you.

So people, thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring about me, and being patient with me all these while.

I'm sorry for anything and everything I have done to annoy, disturb and bug you.

I LOVE YOU ALL!

Work. As much as I admit to being an extremely lazy person at times, I actually love the work in the radio conty. The hassle and fuss of thinking of what to do for the radio, how to improve ourselves, and thinking of what programs and raking in ideas for PSAs and Adverts... I guess this is the area I am finally interested in, which makes it even more fun. I love Amierah Amer, coz she helps me and takes on the responsibilities too... It's fun working with her, and I am glad she is here, doing our practical training together. Love you babe.

Responsibilities. Sometimes being responsible has its limits. There is such thing as taking on too much. And for that very reason, I pulled myself out of the Journalism on Campus (JOC) program by NSTP. I know the program would bring me into new knowledge and widens my horizon, but I do have to put my stand. I backed out, not because of fear, but because I know deep in my heart that I will not be able to follow through with program and manage my other responsibilities. Thus, sometimes we just have to say NO.

Forgiveness. I have been feeling down a little lately. Not so much, as with all the love I am getting, the feeling is all from me alone. I beg forgiveness from everyone whom I have touched or just even visited in their lives. I know I can be a nuisance and annoying sometimes, and even go out of boundaries too. Its not my place. Thus I apologise. Sincerely, I am sorry.

Heartbreak. I don't know what came over me lately. I confessed to something that I was beginning to loose the feeling of. The confession was never meant to have been out. I guess things happen for a reason. I am not really saddened by the reaction to the confession, as I actually kinda expected it. The thing that got me was the 'cutting off' the friendship ties. I don't know, I can forget a heartache, but a friendship to me is way too sacred just to be thrown away like that. But, this is not up to me. It is up to that person, and if ever that person needs me, I am always here, coz I never broke up the tie, just keeping my distance, in respect for that person. I realised all this was my own doing. I let my guards down, forgot my protective security, 'lalai' with my responsibilities to Allah and to myself. That gave syaitan the opportunity to enter my heart and played around with my mind and emotions.

*To that person in particular, I am sorry if I have ever hurt you, in any instance during our relationship. And if ever you are in need, in the future, I am still here, as always. Your friendship was a blessing to me, and I will not forget all that you have done and taught me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.*

Chance. With all that has been happening, I realised that partly I am to blame. I have distanced myself from Allah. I do pray, but did not put my heart into it. I did ask, but did not put my effort into earning it. I did cry, but was not sincere enough. As that is said, as all that has happened so far, I turn my face back to HIM. He showed me this light. He gave me this path. He gave me this chance. A chance to rectify all my wrong doings. A chance to get back to the right path. A chance for me to seek forgiveness and strengthened myself, my iman and taqwa. Alhamdulillah, for this chance. InsyaAllah, I will take this as a lesson and redeem myself, to benefit me and others.

Grateful. Despite all that has been happening, I am thankful to Him, coz He showed me that there are still those who love me, and need my attention. He guided me in giving advice, when others needed me. He made me realise that when one door is closed, another is opened. I was guided again to see what was my purpose, and how am I to use my ability to the fullest. As with that, I am at the most grateful, and in my humblest of self, seek Him Blessing and Guidance in everything that I do.

Bismillahirrahmannirrahim.

Ya Allah! grant us good in this world

and good in the hereafter,

and save us from the chastisement of the fire.

Ameen.

Translation: O Allah, I repent before You for all my sins and I promise never to return to the same (again).

Translation: O Allah! We beg help from You alone; ask forgiveness from You alone, and turn towards You and praise You for all the good things and are grateful to You and are not ungrateful to You and we part and break off with all those who are disobedient to you. O Allah! You alone do we worship and pray exclusively to You and bow before You alone and we hasten eagerly towards You and we fear Your severe punishment and hope for Your Mercy as your severe punishment is surely to be meted out to the unbelievers.

So, here are the few sites in which I ripped these du'as, just to share with you lot.

Tetiba terasa nak menaip dalam bahasa ibunda. Kebelakangan nih, sejak kerja sebagai pengolah bahasa nih, banyak gak kosa kata aku dapat. A special thanx.. opppss... Terima kasih yang istimewa buat adikku, Hanissah Abd Hamid kerana meminjamkan kamusmu... Banyak membantu. =)

Sebenarnya, hari ni dah masuk antara hari2 terakhir cuti semester aku, sebelum bermulanya tahun akhir aku di UIA. Hmmm.. dah tiga tahun rupanya. Tak sangka masa berlalu jugak... kengkadang cepat sampai tak terkejar, dan kengkadang lambat, sampai tak sabar nak habis. Banyak dah pengalaman yang aku timba. Ramai pulak kawan yang aku dapat. Teman2... aku menghargai anda semua.

Allahu Rabbi...

Alhamdulillah... Syukur kepada Illahi, kerana Dia masih menguji aku dalam ketika aku sedang leka dibuai keenakkan dunia. Aku bersyukur, kerana aku masih belum dilupakan, masih belum diabaikan, masih belum dibiarkan dalam kelekaan dunia.

Sememangnya aku, sebagai hamba sahayaNya, tidak lari dari bisikkan. Bisikkan yang membawa diri ke lurah kealpaan. Dunia ini penuh dengan pancaroba, tipu daya, dan aku sering kali terjerumus ke dalam lurah ini.

Ya Allah, aku bersyukur kepadaMu kerana dalam kealpaan aku ini, Engkau masih memberi peringatan kepadaku. Masih memberi petunjuk kepadaku, untuk kembali kepadaMu.

Maha Suci Engkau, Ya Ar-Rahman, Ya Ar-Rahim...

Masih jauh lagi perjalananku dalam mencari keredhaanMu.

Masih lemah hati ini menghadapi dugaan duniaMu.

Masih sedikit di hati ini membesarkan namaMu.

Masih kurang diri ini mengingatiMu.

Ya Rabb, Ku pohon kepadaMu...

Ya Al-Khabir, bimbinglah aku yang sering tersasar.

Ya As-Sabru, berikanlah aku kesabaran menghadapi dugaanMu.

Ya An-Nur, tetapkanlah diriku dalam hidayahMu.

Ya Al-Ghafur, ampunkanlah segala khilafku.

Ya Ar-Rasyid, Ya Al-Hadi...

Sesungguhnya, Engkaulah pemberi petunjuk.

Amin

People.. Stop reading my posts! Hahhahahahaaa....

I have the sudden urge to blog. I have no idea why. Usually I am one of those who would just read other's blog, laugh or cry, or just go along with any other emotions portrayed in their postings. But today, I woke up with words in my head and a huge smile on my face. Why the smile? I don't know. I have been in this happy mood lately... well.. for the past few weeks, and it kinda scared me at first, but then again, I told myself "I DESERVE THIS".

What have kept me smiling for the past few weeks.. What is this happiness I feel... This feeling.. is still brand new to me... It's scary, but with a tinge of softness that makes me want to surrender to the temptation... I know.. I know.. I must fight... Should I? I must.. I must.. I MUST... Please, I am on my knee... Please, give me strength...

I had these words in my head this morning.. It's a new area I am writing about, as my previous is more in the darker side... It is not complete yet.. still in the process of polishing, but I feel that I want to share first.. and then polish it later... So, here goes...

You came knocking on my door of life
And entered into my heart.
I thought it was just a tiny thing
But it grew into a huge feeling.
Without bells without alarms
You captured me with your charms.

Every morning when I open my eyes
My very first thoughts are on you.
Your warm radiant eyes
Warms up the coldness of my feet.
The caress of your voice
A perfect melody to my ears.
Your loving smile
Touches the far corners of my blossoming heart...

(to be continued...)

Fahamkan Aku...

Tolong terangkan kepadaku.
Kenapa hatiku berdenyut begini.

Berdegup kencang tika kau ada.
Juga tika kau terlintas di bayangan.

Tolong jelaskan padaku.
Kenapa jiwaku ceria begini.

Dalam jagaku, ku tersenyum
Dalam lenaku pun begitu juga.

Tolong cerita padaku.
Kenapa aku seresah ini.

Tertanya-tanya.
Kala tiada khabar.

Tolong bilang padaku.
Adakah ini angkara kamu?

Sometimes...

Sometimes...
Things happen for a reason

Sometimes...
Things happen without you realising it

Sometimes...
You try to plan
But fate and destiny has other arrangements for you

Sometimes...
Your life is in shambles
And everything seems like a huge pile of mess

Sometimes...
You have questions that does not seem answered

Sometimes...
Your mind wonder on the twist and turn of life

Sometimes...
You ask How and Why

Sometimes...
You don't even care

Sometimes...
Life turns out so beautiful
That you get scared

Sometimes...
You feel so blessed
And you don't understand why

Sometimes...
Your heart beats faster than normal

Sometimes...
Life is just a daze

And sometimes
The clouds in the sky opens up
Displaying a ray of gorgeous beaming light

A restless night...

Not a lot have been going on this few weeks. Sometimes I am busy with the duties in the conty, and at other times, time just seem to stand still. Things are slowing down these few days, as the FINAL exam emerges from the midst of the end of the semester. I know.. I should be studying, but as all students give the same excuse "The mood to study is not there yet"... Well, I too wanna use the same lame excuse... but seriously, I am not that in the mood lately.. Or maybe it's just today.. since I had rather a sleepless night last night. I'm just a bit tired, but I'm holding on there.

Lately there are these two cats roaming around my house. One is ginger and ruffled, lets call it "Ruffles" and the other is black and white and very adoring, let call it "Manja". I noticed Ruffles first, all shabby and distant. There was something in those mysterious eyes that got me captivated and wanting to know more about it. But, like I mentioned, it kept it's distance away from me, but from time to time, it keep creeping near, and then fled away again. It looks hurt, or maybe shy or just confused. I tried to coax it near, but somehow, the act seems useless as I did not get any reaction and left hoping for something more...

Then there is Manja. Cuddly and fun, Manja seems to edge in near and near as Ruffles fades into the background. Manja is very playful and seems to always be there to entertain and keep me company. In short, Manja is fun to be with and makes me smile. I seem to be spending more and more time with Manja, loving the company, and I see less and less of Ruffles.

I don't know how describe it, but sometimes when I am playing with Manja, I think of Ruffles. I sometimes see Ruffles in the corner of my eyes, when Manja is near. I don't know, just that the occasional 'meow' from Ruffles could get me leaping in joy. It's just that, even how distant Ruffles seems to be with me, it seems quite friendly with the other kids. Maybe it's just me, but then again, maybe Ruffles just like to play hide and seek in the shadows.

SHE...

Jack of all trades, Master of none

Easily ready to lend a helping hand

Just as she appears, now she is gone

After the job is all well and done.

She works noisily, not putting up with any nonsense

Working in speed, her schedule is packed

But nobody actually notices her presence

She's just a mist, disappearing into non existence.

Always putting others needs before hers

Self sacrificing, she's burnt by her own wick

She looks up to the sky, wondering how and why

Searching for someone who would care

Someone whom she can lean over...

and rest her tired, aching heart.

Mumbles... Grumbles... Stumbles...

Been wondering lately (probably due to current mood swings and lack of rest), I never involve my besties in any of my activities. Well, I do inform them, but somehow, we are friends not through these portfolio. Here's my argument:

1. I am involve with the Counseling Services Centre in IIUM. Granted, I joined way before I met Waji and Miera, and i did try to invite Sofia to join. But in reality, this is my activity which I do alone, with other peer members, but not my besties.

2. Sports. I decided and wanted to do sports because I know I cannot keep still. Granted, Waji do basketball and dancing, but we didn't meet due to this instance either. And neither did anyone came to support my games (yep, had my bluey moments. Of course friends from the hockey team supported me, the boys Din and Zul, and all the other girls. Guess I shouldn't really complain. Even my roommates did not come to watch my final match - guess it was coz of the rain) And when I was in school too, Jme and the rest of the gang were not active on the fields. I was the one who like to play in the rain, getting soaked wet, or running in the middle of the day, getting burnt to crisp.

3. Writing. Granted, Miera and Waji are better writers than I am. Yet, this semester is killing our creative mind. Plus, got acquainted wif Ifran, a writer who actually publish his works. I don't think I will, except for very few, general topic ones. I was always for my blue period (Lilo and Stich)

4. Opinions. Yep, this one is mine alone, although I have met a few who share some of the same views. Here, I share some similar views wif Jun and Ifran.

5. My artistic (or rather non artistic) flair. Haha.. I shared this with sir Jo the other day, mentioning that I am not really in the creative process, more on the technical stuff. Guess, when you love to take things apart as a kid, you should be doing engineering, not human sciences. I don't really know why I am here yet. Still got stuff to figure out. I suppose this also goes to my next point, which is...

6. Science... Science... Science. Yep, I love science. I just hate the calculation part. I am totally interested in how the Earth moves, how life begins, how things works.. all the hows and whys I can ask, and hopefully be answered in due time. Talk about being a nerd. Goes wif the glasses though.

7. My alone time. Yep, everyone have their moments. Being able to predict them is somewhat scary yet helpful.

8. Tomboy. Yep, I have to admit, I was a so-called one. I don't really admit to it, coz I never really wanted to be a boy, just wanted to do everything that boys can. Climbing trees, jumping off ledges, playing footie and beating the boys team, being good in electronics and woods workshop. Not so much of the Girl Power crap, I just love being rough. Must be in the genes somewhere. Hey, people in NASA, when you find out, just holler me, aite!

9. Freedom. Yep I cherish this the most. No one can control me or take away this part which keeps me sane and alive. Which means... I do what I wanna do, and you can't stop me. And I will take responsibility of the consequences, good or bad.

Ok... here's to another session of Mumbles and Grumbles... Start with some issues, ends with a totally non-connected topic. Yep, and people think they got me figured out. HAH! In your face!
PLrtttTTT... =P

Bye-bye 2010.. Hello 2011..

You know, I didn't want to write anything for the new years and stuff, but since reading 3 posts, all by my lovely, adorable, caring, sometimes nagging friends.. I didn't want to be left out.. Miera, Waji.. you both have made 2010 a year to remember by for a very long time... Isn't it amazing that the 3 of us quoted each other for this very reason.. Studying have never been this much fun and wacky... Thank you for trusting me and being there when i felt lost.. Thank you for accepting me with all my flaws and crazy attics. I love you both so much.

And, towards the very end of 2010, my 'adik' a.k.a Ahmad Ramzani Mohd Salleh was finally solemnized with his long time love interest, and my former roommate, Norpadilah Mahsori. I pray that they will happily build a paradise on this Earth, and be together till the end, and the Hereafter. I have a lot of fond memories with them, especially with adik... and I will treasure those moments.. skang dah laki orang, so xleh la kaco memalam.. hehehheheee...

Anyway, 2010 was a great year. So many fond memories, so many new and exciting experiances and new friendships were made... I pray that 2011 will bring us all closer, and that He blesses all of us with His Grace, Love and Mercy... For Him I live, and to Him I will return. Amin.