Lately, life has played its twist and turn games with me, again! I'm not here to complain, as this is what we have to expect in life, right? It has already been three weeks into my practical training, and I feel that I have not accomplished anything. I can't even fill in my daily log book. I don't recall what I did, and when I do, it's not anything to do with my practical work. I have been slacking behind, and I feel guilty of keeping Miera doing all the hard work, not to mention that she still has to think about ETW. Yes, life sucks rite about now. No, I'm not saying that I'm not grateful, coz I DEFINITELY AM GRATEFUL to Allah The All Mighty for all the blessing he has bestowed upon me. With family and friends all around me, nobody can feel unblessed. You know, being able to counsel and advise others does not mean that you do not need counseling yourself. Waji, Miera, Yana, sir Roslan, I Love You all. Thank you for taking the time and effort to care for me. I may be a nuisance sometimes, but I do realise that you all care for me so much, and I thank Allah for your presence, love and care. Only He can repay all the love you have given me.
Studies. As I said earlier, I have been slacking off lately. Since last semester. I don't know why. I just lost the motivation to study. Maybe I got myself too involve in the conty work, that I kinda loose track of my studies. As a result, my pointer went down, again. Yep, it's below three. I know, but I don't really care at the moment. If I do not get a job after my 4 years in UIA, I might as well continue to build the company, help mom with our latest project, and maybe, just maybe, finish that proposal I have been keeping myself away from for so long.
Time. Everyone has 24 hours a day, and I know most complain that is not enough. Same goes here. But, I must admit, it is my fault. Sometimes I do things that I am not supposed to do, when I am supposed something else. And I'm not blaming fate either, but sometimes, we plan, but He plans something else. During the semester break, I planned to work, as the offer from TV3 was coming in, and even start tutoring again. But He had other plans. My cousin came. No problem there. He can take care of himself. Then tok (grandma) came and stayed with us. She is old and senile, thus caring for her means a 24 hour job. Since mom and dad is working, and my cousin sleeps more than a sloth does in a day, I am the one who, do not even have to volunteer, was the one who took the responsibility. So, in the end, I only got a few jobs done and tutoring was not even mentioned again. Sorry Kak Shikin, dah brapa kali la orang janji nak start, tp tak menjadi-jadi lagi. (btw, my cousin has since improved. He is now working on the weekends, and taking care of tok in the weekdays, though need a little bit of nagging sometimes)
Sleep. Deprivation or lack of it. Now I know what it means. Being tired all the time. During the day, mak, and myself are working. At night, which is supposed to be the time of rest, is not accomplished as tok does not know the difference between day and night anymore. She would roam around the house, which we usually ignore, but we are never totally asleep, coz of the possibility that she might fall and hurt herself in the dark. Now, if she doesn't bother us, it would not be as bad, but sometimes she would start talking, asking about people whom have passed along time ago. Yep, creepy enough.
Love. I felt it. Even more by the day. I don't how and why and when, but I realised that it is a wonderful feeling. I thank Ar-Rahim for opening my heart and giving me the chance to experience this beautiful feeling. I am blessed to be surrounded by people who love me too... ♥♥♥
As I wrote this post, my FB status is:
Love. Different meaning to different people.
If I take the time to care about you, cry for you, list your name in my du'as,
in my FB, & at times bother you with my worries, that means I Love You, and trust you.
So people, thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring about me, and being patient with me all these while.
I'm sorry for anything and everything I have done to annoy, disturb and bug you.
I LOVE YOU ALL!
Work. As much as I admit to being an extremely lazy person at times, I actually love the work in the radio conty. The hassle and fuss of thinking of what to do for the radio, how to improve ourselves, and thinking of what programs and raking in ideas for PSAs and Adverts... I guess this is the area I am finally interested in, which makes it even more fun. I love Amierah Amer, coz she helps me and takes on the responsibilities too... It's fun working with her, and I am glad she is here, doing our practical training together. Love you babe.
Responsibilities. Sometimes being responsible has its limits. There is such thing as taking on too much. And for that very reason, I pulled myself out of the Journalism on Campus (JOC) program by NSTP. I know the program would bring me into new knowledge and widens my horizon, but I do have to put my stand. I backed out, not because of fear, but because I know deep in my heart that I will not be able to follow through with program and manage my other responsibilities. Thus, sometimes we just have to say NO.
Forgiveness. I have been feeling down a little lately. Not so much, as with all the love I am getting, the feeling is all from me alone. I beg forgiveness from everyone whom I have touched or just even visited in their lives. I know I can be a nuisance and annoying sometimes, and even go out of boundaries too. Its not my place. Thus I apologise. Sincerely, I am sorry.
Heartbreak. I don't know what came over me lately. I confessed to something that I was beginning to loose the feeling of. The confession was never meant to have been out. I guess things happen for a reason. I am not really saddened by the reaction to the confession, as I actually kinda expected it. The thing that got me was the 'cutting off' the friendship ties. I don't know, I can forget a heartache, but a friendship to me is way too sacred just to be thrown away like that. But, this is not up to me. It is up to that person, and if ever that person needs me, I am always here, coz I never broke up the tie, just keeping my distance, in respect for that person. I realised all this was my own doing. I let my guards down, forgot my protective security, 'lalai' with my responsibilities to Allah and to myself. That gave syaitan the opportunity to enter my heart and played around with my mind and emotions.
*To that person in particular, I am sorry if I have ever hurt you, in any instance during our relationship. And if ever you are in need, in the future, I am still here, as always. Your friendship was a blessing to me, and I will not forget all that you have done and taught me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.*
Chance. With all that has been happening, I realised that partly I am to blame. I have distanced myself from Allah. I do pray, but did not put my heart into it. I did ask, but did not put my effort into earning it. I did cry, but was not sincere enough. As that is said, as all that has happened so far, I turn my face back to HIM. He showed me this light. He gave me this path. He gave me this chance. A chance to rectify all my wrong doings. A chance to get back to the right path. A chance for me to seek forgiveness and strengthened myself, my iman and taqwa. Alhamdulillah, for this chance. InsyaAllah, I will take this as a lesson and redeem myself, to benefit me and others.
Grateful. Despite all that has been happening, I am thankful to Him, coz He showed me that there are still those who love me, and need my attention. He guided me in giving advice, when others needed me. He made me realise that when one door is closed, another is opened. I was guided again to see what was my purpose, and how am I to use my ability to the fullest. As with that, I am at the most grateful, and in my humblest of self, seek Him Blessing and Guidance in everything that I do.
Bismillahirrahmannirrahim.
Ya Allah! grant us good in this world
and good in the hereafter,
and save us from the chastisement of the fire.
Ameen.
Translation: O Allah, I repent before You for all my sins and I promise never to return to the same (again).
So, here are the few sites in which I ripped these du'as, just to share with you lot.
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