Apologies and Letting Go...

Deat Readers (if I do have any...XP)

Lately, life has played its twist and turn games with me, again! I'm not here to complain, as this is what we have to expect in life, right? It has already been three weeks into my practical training, and I feel that I have not accomplished anything. I can't even fill in my daily log book. I don't recall what I did, and when I do, it's not anything to do with my practical work. I have been slacking behind, and I feel guilty of keeping Miera doing all the hard work, not to mention that she still has to think about ETW. Yes, life sucks rite about now. No, I'm not saying that I'm not grateful, coz I DEFINITELY AM GRATEFUL to Allah The All Mighty for all the blessing He has bestowed upon me. With family and friends all around me, nobody can feel unblessed. Yoou know, being able to counsel and advise others does not mean that you do not need counseling yourself. Waji, Mieras, Yana, sir Roslan, I Love You all. Thank you for taking the time and effort to care for me. I may be a nuisance at times, but I do realise that you all care for me so much, and I thank Allah for your presence, love and care. Only He can repay all the love you have given me.

Studies. As I said earlier, I have been slacking off lately. Since last semester. I don't know why. i just lost the motivation to study. Maybe I got myself too involve in the conty work, that I kinda loose track of my studies. As a result, my pointer went down again. Yep, it's below three, again. I know, but I don't really care at the moment. If I do not get a job after my 4 years in UIA, I might as well continue to build the company, help mom with our latest project, and maybe, just maybe, finish that proposal I have been keeping myself away from for so long.

Time. Everyone has 24 hours a day, and I know most complain that it is not enough. Same goes here. But, I must admit, it is my fault. Sometimes I do things that I am not supposed to do, when I am supposed to do something else. And I'm not blaming fate either, but sometimes, we plan, but He plans something else. During the recent semester break, I planned to work, as the offer from TV3 was coming in, and to start tutoring again. As I said, He had other plans. My cousin came. No problem there. He can take care of himself. Then tok (grandma) came and stayed with us. She is old and senile, thus caring for her is a 24 hour job. Since mom and dad are working, and my cousin sleeps more than a sloth does in a day, I am the one who, do not even have to volunteer, was the one who took the responsibility. So, in the end, I only got a few jobs done, and tutoring was not even mentioned again. Sorry Kak Shikin, dah brapa kali la orang janji nak start, tp tak menjadi-jadi lagi. (btw, my cousin has since improved. He is now working on the weekends and takes care of tok on the weekdays, though needs a little bit of nagging sometimes).

Sleep. Deprivation or lack of it. Now I know what it means. Being tired all the time. During the day, mom, dad are obviously working, and I am in the conty for my practical training. At night, which is supposed to be the time of rest, is not accomplished as tok does not know the difference between day and night anymore. She would roam around the house in the middl of the night, which we usually ignore, but never totally asleep, coz of the possibility that she might fall and hurt herself in the dark. Then turn on th elights I hear you say. Not an option, it is a kind of psych to make her feel it's night so that she would sleep, plus at least we get a short nap or two in the dark. Now, if she doesn't bother us, it would not be as bad, but sometimes she would start talking, asking about people whom have long since pass. Yep, creepy enough.

Love. I felt it. Even more by the day. I don't know how and why and when, but I realised that it is a wonderful feeling. I thank Ar-Rahim for opening my heart and giving me the chance to experience this beautiful feeling that I never though I would feel. I am blessed to be surrounded by people who love me to... ♥♥♥

As I wrote this post, my FB status is:

Love. Different meaning to different people.
If I take the time to care about you, cry for you, list your name in my du'as,
in my FB, & and at times bother you with my worries, that means I Love You, and trust you.
So people, thank you from the bottom of my heart,
for caring about me, and being patient with me all these while.
I'm sorry for anything and everything I have done to annoy, disturb and bug you.
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Work. As much as I admit to being an extremely lazy person at times, I actually love the work in the radio conty. The hassle and fuss of thinking of what to do for the radio, how to improve ourselves, and thinking of what programs and raking in ideas for PSAa and Adverts... I guess this is the area I am finally interested in, which makes it even more fun. I love Amierah Amer, coz she help me, a lot, taking on the responsibilities too... It's fun working with her, and I am glad she is here, doing our practical training together. Love you babe.

Responsibilities. Sometimes being responsible has its limits. There is such thing as taking on too much. And with that note and very reason, I pulled myself out of the Journalism on Campus (JOC) program by NSTP. I know the program would benefit me in the long run, bring me into new knowledge and widens my horizon, but I do have to put my stand. I backed out, not because of fear, but because I know deep in my heart that I will not be able to follow through with program and manage my other responsibilities. Thus, sometimes we just have to say NO.

Forgiveness. I have been feeling down a little lately. Not so much, as with all the love I am getting, the feeling is all from me alone. I beg forgiveness from everyone whom I have touched or just even visited in their lives. I know I can be a nuisance and annoying sometimes, and even go out of boundaries too. Its not my place. Thus I apologise. Sincerely, I am sorry.

Heartbreak. No.. not the lovey dovey type. I don't know what came over me lately. I confessed to something that I was beginning to loose the feeling of. The confession was never meant to have been out. I guess thing happen for a reason. i am not really saddened by the reaction I received, as I kinda expected it. In fact, I was relieved in a sense, coz not I won't have to think about it too much. But what really got to me was the outcome, the second part of the reaction. I can forget a heartache, I have done numerous times before, but 'cutting off' a friendship tie, due to some misunderstanding really, really got me feeling down. A friendship to me is way more sacred than any courtship. I do have my own opinions on courtship, and I would prefer not to be in one as I have promised to save myself, my love, and everything for my husband, if I ever get married lah. But this is not up to me. It is up to that person, either that person is willing to have me as a friend or otherwise. But if ever that person needs me, I am always here, coz I never broke my end of the tie, just keeping my distance, in respect to that person and that person's space and feelings. In actual fact, I realised that all this was my own doing. I let my guard down, forgot my protective security, 'lalai' with my responsibilities to Allah, and to myself. That gave syaitan the opportunity to enter my heart and played around with my mind and emotions.

*To that person in particular, I am sorry if I have ever hurt you, in any instance during our friendship. And if ever you are in need, in the future, I am still here, as always. Your friendship is a blessing to me, and I will not forget all that you have done and all that you have taught me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.*

Chance. With all that has been happening, I realised that partly I am to blame. I have distanced myself from Allah. I do pray, but did not put my heart into it. I did ask, but did not put my effort into earning it. I did cry, but was not sincere enough. As that is said, as all that has happened so far, I turn my face back to HIM. He showed me this light. He gave me this path. He gave me this chance. A chance to rectify all my wrong doings. A chance to get back to the right path. A chance for me to seek forgiveness and strengthened myself, my iman and taqwa. Alhamdulillah, for this chance. InsyaAllah, I will take this as a lesson and redeem myself, to benefit me and others.